Thursday, January 31, 2013

I'm starting to get sick of it

This dumbass depression, it's starting to really piss me off.

I hate feeling depressed.
I hate being sad.
I hate feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every minute of the day when I'm depressed.

I absolutely hate being ignored by everyone. I say something I get ignored.
I realized that for anyone to acknowledge my existence I have to talk for a minute straight without stopping and then they only hear the last 10 seconds of what I said if anything at all.

I hate reaching out for a small glint of attention which sometimes I desperately need, and then being rejected. Just a kiss? No. It hurts and it breaks my heart more than everyone thinks. Yeah I act strong.
Yeah I act impenetrable. But people don't realize that men don't feel with their muscles. Just like women, we feel with our hearts, and they can get broken. They can get hurt. Because there's no way to train your heart to be impenetrable. There's no way to make it strong against everything.

It hurts.


Being lonely hurts.

Having no one you can trust to talk to hurts.

Having to come on the internet and release my pent up stress, depression and anger hurts.



If I had a punching bag I would get so much fitter from punching the crap out of it.
I feel that physically releasing it is a very good way to release stress, but unfortunately, I don't have the space for a punching bag firstly, secondly even if I did I would piss my neighbours off, and thirdly I would probably break the bag. I've done it before.

Just tired of everything. There's someone I want to be with but she's too far away and circumstances suggest that that's not happening any time soon. She means the world to me and not having her around me just hurts.

Being away from my family in Uruguay is so damn painful, I just wish I could quit Australia and go back to live in Uruguay. That would be amazing. Thing is, my brother, my sister, my brother in law, my mother, they're all here in Australia and I can't leave them. It's not who I am.

If I left my brother wouldn't have a place to live. I'm not going to abandon my family. I gave up my studies, my work, my friends, my entire life down in Sydney to move up to Brisbane so my Brother would have a place to live. I miss having friends. I miss not being depressed. I miss thinking that I had issues but now that I look back it is shit all compared to what happens here. Same with a lot of people who have confided in me. I listened to all their problems and only some were truly depressed, the others were just fucking whingers.

Either way, I wouldn't take it back. I wouldn't stay in Sydney because then my brother would have nowhere to live. I'm very family orientated and I'd do anything for them. I'll gladly take all of this pain, all of this depression, all of these new issues, and all of these heart problems if it means that the rest of my family can be happy.



Is that love or stupidity?



Chau <3

3 comments:

  1. Well I think it's a mixture of both love and stupidity, leaning more towards love and self-sacrifice.

    Maybe some people don't reach out to you because they're scared of rejection as well? I mean, you can be kind of dismissive and by acting impenetrable, maybe you're just being unapproachable?

    It's your choice to choose who you can truly trust and confide in. There are people out there who are willing to be your confiders and are willing to keep secrets but you just have to be wise and choose who.

    But it's better to talk to someone than to whine on the internet where everyone can read it, and some people will laugh at your problems or be glad you have them. Plus, it feels a lot better because talking to someone actually lessens it, blogging about it just pents it up.

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  2. Yeah there are people that want me to confide in them, but I choose by experience. If I don't feel I can trust the person in that sense because of my past with them, then I won't.

    I disagree with something, I act impenetrable in a way that things won't hurt me, not in an unapproachable way. It's very easy to get to know me but instead I just get ignored.

    I agree it's better to talk to someone than whine on the internet but:

    1. I don't have anyone I can trust to talk to.
    2. I don't really care about who reads my blog, they can read all they want.

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