Friday, November 2, 2012

Who are you? Says the man to the mirror.

It finds any crevice in our soul and enters it. Feeding itself on your anger. On your loneliness. On your guilt. On your feelings.
Finding its way to your heart.
On everything you have ever felt.
More pain than you could ever imagine.
Dark hints into your very thoughts.
Every painful thing you have ever felt.
Into your soul.
Everything you have ever known.



Innie. Minnie. Miny...... Mo.

He lives.

He lives for his friends.
He lives for his love.
He lives for his honour.
He lives for his heart.

He gives.

He gives his honour to his friends.
He gives his heart to his love.

He whispers.

He whispers his secrets to his friends.
He whispers his feelings to his love.

He cry's.

He cry's when his friends tell his secrets.
He cry's when his love throws away his feeling.

He angers.

He angers when his friends replace him with a girl.
He angers when his love meets another man.

He goes insane.

When he finds out that his best friend is the new man with his love.

Chau <3

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Life.. Can it really be called living?

Friends that I thought were real, faded away quickly and they moved on to other friends.
Relationships I had, will never be again because of distance.
Best friend gone for being a total bitch.

and what do I have remaining?

A bitter reminder that I am now all alone.

It's not a tangible object but rather a sour taste in my heart.

Since I moved away I realized that my past friendships were mostly bullshit and everyone that were in them really didn't give 2 shits about me.

They don't know this but.. I was very, very deeply hurt, and wounded by that fact.

Every time I think about it I get depressed.. and the last time I tried to talk about it I cried. I haven't cried in 14 years until then. That's how much my friends meant to me. I would've done anything for them. I had them in my heart like family, but I get thrown away like trash. It just.. Ughh.. It just really hurt me so damn deeply.

When I moved away I was too afraid to make other friends. Ever since then I haven't had much confidence with people. Too afraid that it was my fault that everyone left me and that I did something wrong. I'm scared that I will do the same thing and I'll get hurt again.

No girlfriend for almost a year now. I never had a problem with women. But I made a promise and I stuck to it. Also I wouldn't be able to get one even if I wanted to. I'm now too afraid of the consequences and I just don't want to put myself in a situation where I'll get crushed. I can't talk to any girl I like because I'm just too terrified. My emotional state has been just pure depression since I left Sydney and I can't do anything about it. I'm just too hurt.

It's been almost a whole damn year and I'm still not over it.

I've contemplated.. many things.. many self inflicted things.. that I'm not too proud of, but I have no choice but to keep pushing forward regardless of my feelings and just bottle everything up like I used to. I am not so selfish as I would make my family live with this feeling. I will gladly take the burden for them.

I wish I just had someone who I could be myself around without any fear..

I'm so damn hurt..

I'm so damn depressed..

I'm just so.. so.. so damn lonely that it hurts..

Chau <3

Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Intoxication of a Kiss

As night sky begins to fill with stars that glisten harmoniously with the beating of each lovers heart, he grabs the remote control and turns on the CD-Player.

The music, slow and heartfelt played with the heart of each lover as the man slowly caressed the back of his fingers across her right arm, all the way down to her fingertips,and as he gently placed his hand under hers, he whispered into her ear, "Would you honour me with this dance?"

She replied with a slight nod. They stood up and they grasped his left hand with her right hand out wards, and her hand on his shoulder with his hand on her waist. They danced and slowly the parting between them started to close and they gently looked at each others lips, and as they got closer she closed her eyes, but when their lips should of met, they did not. Instead, she felt the enchanting feel of his lips kissing her neck.

Her legs went soft for a split second but she stayed up trying to hold herself down on the world so as not to float away. As he kissed her silky neck he felt her sigh deeply and lay her head on his shoulder.

The music came to an abrupt end, as she pulled away and looked at him. She clasped his face with her palms, and allowed him to look deep into her chestnut brown eyes praying that he could understand what she so desperately want to say.

The sliver of moonlight grew as the cloud that covered it gently moved with the midnight air, as it shone directly on his face he didn't care, all that mattered was the look that the two were sharing as he looked into her eyes and she looked into his emerald green eyes with the slightest tinge of brown in the middle. They cared not for the subtle hooting of the owls or the calls of crickets as when they looked into each others eyes it felt like they were peering each others souls, and they could sense each other as if they were one.

She wanted to tell him but her shyness slowed her down and made her doubt herself. She slowly lowered her head because she couldn't look him in the eye after that, but as he gently lifted her head up by her chin and stared into her eyes, she regained her confidence and said what she's wanted to say for a long time, "You are the love of my life and I never want that to change" ending her sentence with a sudden yet passionate kiss.

He kissed.
She kissed.
They kissed.

Chau <3

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Forgetting to Remember

He sat on his bed, back against the wall with a pillow in between his crossed legs.
Arms wrapped around the pillow, nose and mouth buried in pillow.

But his green eyes set on the hot screen of the laptop in front of him.

No programs open, just a picture.

He wasn't talking to anyone.
He wasn't doing anything,

Just sitting there and staring at the picture.

The picture of him and his love.

She sat on her bed, back against the wall with a pillow in between her crossed legs.
Arms wrapped around the pillow, nose and mouth buried in pillow.

But her green eyes set on the hot screen of the laptop in front of her.

No programs open, just a picture.

She wasn't talking to anyone.
She wasn't doing anything,

Just sitting there and staring at the picture.

The picture of her and her love.

They both wondered if the other was thinking about them.

When they talked, each would appear to not feel anything more than friendship for the other person.

But they were both proficient with fooling other people.

The only time there was an easily noticeable connection was when they stared deep into each other's eyes the first day they met.

But they were both proficient at lying to other people.

They wanted to be together but they didn't know what the other knew.

Because they were both proficient at decieving other people.

As they stared at their screens, neither wondered if it was actually themselves who they were fooling.
Themselves that they were lying to.
Themselves that they were decieving.

He reached out towards his laptop.
She reached out towards her laptop.

And with the back of his finger, gently traced the shape of her face,
And with the back of her finger, gently traced the shape of his face,

from the left side of her forehead, to her chin.
from the left side of his forehead, to his chin.

As a tear rolled down his cheek, he lowered his eyes into his pillow.
As a tear rolled down her cheek, she lowered her eyes into her pillow.

He pulled his hand back halfway to his pillow, then hesitated.
She pulled her hand back halfway to her pillow, then hesitated.

He opened his hand and moved it towards the center of his screen, but hovered just before touching it.
She opened her hand and moved it towards the center of her screen, but hovered just before touching it.

He touched the screen.
She touched the screen.

The middle of his screen turned into the shape of a hand and its fingers wrapped around his.
The middle of her screen turned into the shape of a hand and its fingers wrapped around hers.

He knew it was her hand. He pulled the hand, to try to pull her back into his life.
She knew it was his hand. She pulled the hand, to try to pull him back into her life.

Instead the hand pulled them into the screen.

They appeared in front of each other.

Floating in an area that looks like endless white.

Each wearing white.

The feeling of purity was abundant in this place.

Behind each of them was their computer screen.

Like a window that they climbed through.

They looked deep into each others green eyes, just as they did that first day, but this time, their eyes slowly closed.

As they moved closer to each other, their eyes closed more and more.

Their eyes shut completely, the moment that their lips met.

They kissed gently, then slowly opened their eyes as their lips parted.

The screens behind them started to project powerful colours onto each, as the colour of the screens poluted the purity.

They started to fade as the screens pulled them back, but the entire time, neither was remotely disturbed by the occurences.

They maintained eye contact without blinking.

Their eyes were filled with sorrow as they were to part again.

But their hearts grew strong from the happiness they recieved.

He reached out with his right hand as she reached out with her left.

They slowly faded.

Their hands got closer.

They were almost completely faded.

Their fingertips where a hairs width away, when they completely faded.

He wakes up on the right side of his bed, facing the left.
She wakes up on the left side of her bed, facing the right.

It was just a dream..
It was just a dream..

Chau <3

Thursday, January 5, 2012

A true point of view

"To reconstitute political life in a state presupposes a good man, whereas to have recourse to violence in order to make oneself prince in a republic supposes a bad man. Hence very rarely will there be found a good man ready to use bad methods in order to make himself prince, though with a good end in view.

Nor will any reasonable man blame him for taking any action, however extraordinary, which may be of service in the organizing of a kingdom or the constituting of a republic. It is a sound maxim that reprehensible actions may be justified by their effects, and that when the effect is good, it always justifies the action. For it is the man who uses violence to spoil things, not the man who uses it to mend them, that is blameworthy.

A Prince should therefore disregard the reproach of being thought cruel where it enables him to keep his subjects united and loyal. For he who quells disorder by a very few signal examples will in the end be more merciful than he who from too great leniency permits things to take their course and so result in chaos and bloodshed; for these hurt the whole state, whereas the severities of the Prince injure individuals only.

It is essential therefore, for a Prince who desires to maintain his position, to have learned how to be other than good, and to use or not use his goodness as necessity requires."

"Everyone sees what you seem to be, but few know what you are."

Chau <3