Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Life.. Can it really be called living?

Friends that I thought were real, faded away quickly and they moved on to other friends.
Relationships I had, will never be again because of distance.
Best friend gone for being a total bitch.

and what do I have remaining?

A bitter reminder that I am now all alone.

It's not a tangible object but rather a sour taste in my heart.

Since I moved away I realized that my past friendships were mostly bullshit and everyone that were in them really didn't give 2 shits about me.

They don't know this but.. I was very, very deeply hurt, and wounded by that fact.

Every time I think about it I get depressed.. and the last time I tried to talk about it I cried. I haven't cried in 14 years until then. That's how much my friends meant to me. I would've done anything for them. I had them in my heart like family, but I get thrown away like trash. It just.. Ughh.. It just really hurt me so damn deeply.

When I moved away I was too afraid to make other friends. Ever since then I haven't had much confidence with people. Too afraid that it was my fault that everyone left me and that I did something wrong. I'm scared that I will do the same thing and I'll get hurt again.

No girlfriend for almost a year now. I never had a problem with women. But I made a promise and I stuck to it. Also I wouldn't be able to get one even if I wanted to. I'm now too afraid of the consequences and I just don't want to put myself in a situation where I'll get crushed. I can't talk to any girl I like because I'm just too terrified. My emotional state has been just pure depression since I left Sydney and I can't do anything about it. I'm just too hurt.

It's been almost a whole damn year and I'm still not over it.

I've contemplated.. many things.. many self inflicted things.. that I'm not too proud of, but I have no choice but to keep pushing forward regardless of my feelings and just bottle everything up like I used to. I am not so selfish as I would make my family live with this feeling. I will gladly take the burden for them.

I wish I just had someone who I could be myself around without any fear..

I'm so damn hurt..

I'm so damn depressed..

I'm just so.. so.. so damn lonely that it hurts..

Chau <3

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