Why do I write?
Sadness.. I don't buy it.
If I wanted to write because of sadness I could of easily grabbed a pen and paper and written it down.
So why else.. attention? Is that why I put it up on the internet for all to see? Because I want people to give me attention?
Well that doesn't make sense. No one replies. So then why..
Maybe it's because I'm so horribly lonely and now too wounded and terrified to show people how I feel that I have to take the cowards way out and write it in a blog to just feel like someone, anyone out there is listening to me.
Wants to listen to me.
Cares about me at all..
My family loves me but as I've grown up I've watched them grow up and have seen the changes that occurred.
My brother is a lot more difficult to deal with than he used to be. He caught a break with work with becoming a manager and everything, but he gets stressed because he receives attitude.
My sister has grown past the point of being my psychologist. I remember when I was little and I had a problem with my mum and I would run to my room and my sister would walk in after a minute of letting me be alone for a little bit. She would sit on my bed with me and she would talk to me. I would talk to her. She was my best friend when I was little and the only person I could ever confide in. Now she finds it amusing to tell all of her friends funny/really private and embarrassing stories about me just so she can get a laugh out of them even when I ask her not to.
My father is and always has been the person that I look up to most in this world. He may not be a millionaire. He may not have a mansion. He may have built his house with his bare hands. But 1, it's a damn fine house in my opinion, and two, he is one of the happiest men I know. He has a place to rest his head. He has a family that loves him. He has food on the table. That is a blessing if you ask me.
I've never trusted my mother.
So.. I can't talk to my family, my friends are almost all gone. There's almost no one to talk to. That's why I play this online game, it's like a way to get away from everything. To forget who I am and just be who I want to be.
But the writing..
It doesn't make me feel better, if anything it makes me feel worse because it makes me list out everything that's wrong and thinking about EVERYTHING is just overwhelming.
So why write?
You know what the answer is?
I really don't know.
I don't love writing.
I enjoy it but not love it.
Is that why? Enjoyment?
No one finds it entertaining.
It doesn't make me feel better.
It just makes me realize how fucked up I am and just cements the idea that.. well I don't really want to finish this sentence.. It.. you don't want to hear it..
I don't overcome my problems just by writing about them so.. Who's enjoyment is that exactly?
No one's. It's just a depressed man who needs to express his feelings even though it makes him worse.