Monday, January 21, 2013

Fuck you depression. Fuck you right in the anus with a carrot.

Heh.. I see

So depression this is how you want to play? That is just dirty.

My depression has now started to spread further than mentally. Now every time I feel an intense emotion like depression, fury, loathing, loneliness, or anger, and I can't release it in a physical manner, it collects and manifests itself as a sharp physical pain in my heart. It's happened ever since my depression got worse and now it's no longer like a slight pinching pain of the heart.

It feels as if someone reaches into my chest, clenches my heart in one hand and squeezes, then inserts a combat knife (I say this for size comparizon) directly inside of it.

I used to think I was the master.

Master of myself.

Master of my own body.

Master of my surroundings.

I knew how to deal with things.

I knew how to deal with others.

I was emotionless and ruthless when it came to a time when I should have been crying from sadness.

I blocked it and locked it and bottled it up, and it feels like every time this happens the more I pack in the bottle, the more the bottle breaks and large shards of glass penetrate my heart.

I can't take the pain anymore, I have to see a doctor. I knew I should have but I never did because I thought I could control it, now it has progressed and has gotten worse and I can't contain it anymore.

I also need to see a psychiatrist. I can't do this alone anymore. I need someone who I have no connection with, a complete professional stranger, to let out everything. My frustrations. My anger. My loneliness. My depression. My deep sense of something which I don't even know. My developments. My growth.

I need someone that I don't know to tell me what I should do.

I hate talking about private things with people I know. If you know someone, you're going to be self conscious with what you say around them. Even if they say "You can always talk to me" "I'm always here for you" "I'll never judge you"

Yeah great but in my head you're always judging me even if you really aren't and even if I know you aren't.

I'm getting off topic.

I'm depressed.

I'm lonely.

I'm angry.

I'm frustrated.

I want a punching bag but there's nowhere to hang it up. I don't like letting out my frustration in front of people so I don't like using a punching bag at the gym. I could do what the monks do and put a newspaper up on a wall and punch the newspaper as hard as I can with the wall behind it. Or I could do what I would really find satisfying. Walk through the streets. Every time I see a teenager/kid who is a douchebag, I punch him in the face to knock him on his ass. I straddle his chest and pin his arms to his side. and I release my fury by ruthlessly pummeling my huge fist into their douchbaggy faces. One by one. Beating them to a bloody fucking pulp.

Yeah, my fists would be ruined by the end but so what? If it was legal, I would gladly exchange my fists for being able to beat the shit out of a douchebag so hard that I jam his jaw down his fucking throat.

I met someone..

She is.. different.
She knows me.
She knows me better than anyone has ever known me.
There were things that I was ashamed of and that I would never tell a soul, that she finds normal.
Things that I find exciting that others may have found sickening. She embraced that side before I even knew I had it.
I'm changing.
I'm growing.
I'm becoming a different side of myself that I didn't think I would be able to.
Social convention says that I should never be allowed to think these thoughts.
But she lets me think them. She embraces them. She has her own similar thoughts.
A deep connection that is bound on so many different levels that it's.. intriguing to say the least.

If it was up to me I would spend my entire day with her. We would be together all day, every day. But it's not. Nor is it up to her.

She makes me feel like I'm not alone.
When I'm around her I'm not lonely.
When I'm around her I'm myself. Someone I'm not with others.

But then she goes to sleep.

Depression sinks in again. I curl up on my bed. put a pillow in between my knees, cross my arms on the pillow, bury my face in it, and clutch it as hard as I can.


Fuck you loneliness. You make me feel this way.

Karma.. I know I haven't been the best person in the world. I know I fucked up a lot of things in my life but.. This.. What you're doing to me.. This is the harshest amount of cruelty I have ever seen inflicted upon someone.



It's just..

It hurts


Chau <3

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