Travelling Through Time

Been quite a while...

Quick catch up since last time. Have a partner. She's a mother. Great girlfriend.

Step son is absolute pain in the ass, he ignores orders, yells at people, blames everything on everyone else, and believe me when I say that although all of this sounds like a normal child, think about it as 10 times worse. He spent a few years of his early life going around a few homes (Can't say why) but eventually went back to his mother. He has developed severe separation anxiety, and as a result, is an absolute fucking pain in the ass. Won't leave us alone. Not to mention, his mother (having felt bad about things that happened in the past) feels like she has to make up for everything that happened, so she's extremely weak against him. He loves to take absolute control of that and manipulate the fuck out of her. He sees her as weak and he has her wrapped around his tiny finger.

He doesn't get away with that shit with me. He tries to manipulate me but I don't play that. I'm stricter than his mother. I discipline properly and I don't take his shit. She sees him as a little saint, because she looks at him through mum goggles. I see him for the devil he is.

I'm hoping that he'll grow up a bit more and stop manipulating people.

He's smart as hell, but he uses that intelligence for evil. I told his mother 2 years ago that she will need to teach him to be good, and she needs to put boundaries and discipline more, but she is putty in his hands and he has not developed at all, because whenever I try to be the hardass parent, he runs over to her and she defends him, which allows him to be a little fuck.

I'm convinced he's going to grow up to steal and kill someone, exactly like his father. and no, I'm not exaggerating, his father killed his own daughter. That daughter of course was this child's sister. He never gave a shit about her. When she was alive, he was a greedy fuck because the attention was off of him, so he would kick her in the head and then start crying so that all of the attention was on him to calm him down. Yes, this is clean manipulation from a toddler. He's been manipulating for years now and he won't stop.


Now. The reason why I'm posting is because I wanted to rant.

There's a cross country event on and I was going to go because my partner can't as a result of another important legal matter that needs to be attended to. The thing is, I have a meeting on at the same time for work. Now. The thing about this is that my partner was relying on me to go to cross country. She says that I'm letting him down and that he was really relying on me to go and shit. She's throwing all these accusations on me.

I don't want to work, but as we are a bit financially tight, it's kind of a priority. So what I decided to do was do both. I couldn't attend the meeting first, and then go to cross country just a little later. I had to call up and move a few things around for this, but my partner was throwing so much shit at me for this that I decided to do my best to compromise. So yeah, I was able to figure out a way to do both, but I would just show up to cross country about half an hour late. Keep in mind that this is an event that goes on for an hour and a half, so I would be attending most of it.

Butttttttttttt apparently this isn't good enough. Apparently this doesn't count as me going because I won't be there for the whole thing. Apparently I'm not being a supportive parent because I won't be there for the whole thing. Apparently I'm just not putting any effort in.

Fucking excuse me? I don't want to work, but I do it so we can have money. Keep in mind, I don't want to go to cross country. I love this kid but I barely see him as my own. He has so much evil and aggression in him that I can just simply not feel like he is my child. That's the downside of being a step parent. You never feel like the child is properly yours, and you're never counted as "A real parent" even though you deal with all the shit that biological parents do.

So I'm going to this stupid cross country event for my partner because she can't. But I also have an important meeting on. So after putting in a lot of effort to try to change everything around so that I can earn us some money AND attend this thing that I don't want to go to anyways, I'm still apparently letting everyone down. What do you want me to do? Make a clone so I can be at 2 places at once?

I'm trying my best to be a good partner and a good parent, and it's just never good enough. This shit is really starting to get on my nerves and I honestly don't know what to do. She's just pacing around the house in her she-hulk mood, criticizing EVERYTHING I do. Right or wrong, there's always something wrong, and when she is she-hulking, she loves to point out everything that I do wrong.

I try to be pretty chill in life, and I usually am, but her anxiety makes it so that every single fucking situation is stressful, and as I am the closest person to her, she throws ALL of that stress onto me, which also includes the blame. The child LOVES to blame other people when something goes wrong, and it's ironic that his mother absolutely hates when he does that, considering the fact that he got it directly from her. It's like he got all of the shit aspects from both of his parents, and none of the good ones. Fucking devil incarnate. Sick of this shit.

Chau <3

This goes out to you. The one I've hurt.

So it has been a very long time since I've put up a new post. I don't really think anyone reads this anymore. The people that used to read this, were the people that used to care about me, and on some part, the people I've wronged.

In words.. I can't apologize enough.

I was an absolute asshole in the past. I treated people like they were expandable, and I used people. I used to tell myself that I was just flicking through a deck of cards until I found my ace. I actually still believe that I WAS doing that with women.

I was going from relationship to relationship, and if I found things I didn't like, I didn't bother to try to fix it. Little things were ok, but if there were any big things, I would never have stayed. I would have just shrugged and said, "That's not the girl for me." and moved on to the next one. This caused my longest relationship to be 3 months.

Sure there was that girl that was on and off for 11 years, but I don't even count that anymore. That wasn't a relationship. I'm not even sure that that was love. I think that it was just an 11 year infatuation.

An ex of mine put this up on her blog almost 3 years ago. It was about me, or at least, the old me.

"u were always a charmer, and just when i thought i was immune to your charming words and corny ways, a part of me liked it. which makes feel me terrible as to our situation does nothing to improve the lust and emotional pleasure that we once indulged in"

I hadn't talked to her  properly for a while before that, as we were still raw from our break up. But there I was, infatuated again. I have always had an issue with closure. I would get into a relationship, and then in the end, break up, and then later on, remember all the good times about the relationship. After studying psychology, it's become evident to me that that happens to most people that leave their relationships, so it's considered normal, but no less painful.

It happened with every single girl I have ever dated, except for one. This post is about that one. My one. The longest one. Hopefully the last one. Hopefully, THE one.

I was quite proud of myself for being in that relationship in the past for 3 months. That was because before that, my longest relationship had been about a month, so the bar wasn't very high. But now I realize how little time 3 months is. It's not enough time. Not enough time to get to know someone. Not enough time to be with someone.

Which is why I'm apologizing to every girl I have ever dated, or wronged. I apologize for not giving you enough time. I apologize for not taking the time. and most of all, I deeply apologize for having wasted your time. You all deserve better than the boy that I was.

I am going to send the link to this post to every girl I've dated, and every girl I've wronged. I am incredibly sorry about everything. I'm not sending this to rub your face in the next part of my post. In fact, I'm sending you this because I want you to know that I am apologizing to you directly. This may sound a bit generalized, but if you see a message from me in your inbox, and it has the link to this post in it, that is because you specifically were on my mind while I was writing this.

The other thing I wanted to say was that I'm changing, or.. I HAVE changed. 

I am currently dating a girl who in the past, I would never have thought that I would have dated. She has a child, she is facing serious charges on the basis of something that she is a victim in, but that the main culprit was her ex, and when we started dating, she was an alcoholic. 

In the past, these would have been immense red flags for me not to approach. But something happened, which I didn't expect to happen. I thought that I had already done this when I left high school, but I was wrong. What happened was that I grew up. I thought that that happened at the end of high school because I changed. I was no longer the shy kid that didn't talk to many people. 

I took charge, I made friends, I learned to manipulate people and become the center of attention. I thought that that was me growing up, but it took me a while to realize that I hadn't grown up, I had just turned into a massive dick. I spent 2 years of my life basically in solitude when I moved up to brisbane. I suffered deep depression, and it hurt. I had no friends, I had no girlfriend. I would play online games, and it was an escape for me. I was one of the best players out of the entire MMORPG, and I felt like I was king. I was immensely popular on that game. Everyone wanted to be my friend, and I even forgot a lot of people that wanted to be around me. It was very difficult for me to keep up.

This is exactly what depression is though. You don't want to be part of your real life, so you try to escape it. Whether it be with drugs, alcohol, or in my case, online gaming. The worst part is, it becomes an addiction, because the moment that you turn that screen off, you're alone again. It's just you, struggling to be yourself. I think that the worst thing about it was that I had no one to properly talk to face to face about it, and that I couldn't let it out physically, because for a long time, I have been physically incapable of crying. I don't know why. I've never really liked the idea of going to a doctor and saying "I can't cry. What's wrong with me besides severe depression?" 

I cringe thinking about that.

What I didn't realize though was that that time changed me as a person. It forced me to grow up. It taught me things that I thought I already had, but evidently I lacked. It taught me infinite patience. I used to have a short temper, and it would be set off by things that irritated me. Now though, it takes a lot for me to actually get angry. 

It taught me the true value of money. Being addicted to that online game caused me to spend $8,000 on it. Yes, that's correct. $8,000. Enough to buy myself a car. I learned from that mistake.

I taught me that people weren't always who they seemed to be. There was a lot of time for self reflection, and although it's obvious that people lie, I thought that I was smarter than most people, and as such, I was better at it than everyone else. But observing myself, and others as they lied to me directly even though I already knew the truth, it showed me the true capabilities of people around me.

But I think that most importantly, it taught me the value of personal contact. It taught me to value affection and company. Being in front of someone else was a rarity for me, and as such I began to lack some barriers that I had built up over the years. I had begun to be attached to movies and shows, I'd laugh a lot louder at funny scenes, I'd get annoyed when characters would do annoying things, and my heart would beat very fast through exciting scenes such as something wrong happening in a telenovela or an awesome fight scene or something. 

Now knowing more about psychology, it was pretty evident that I had developed a detachment from society. 

All of this though, taught me what I needed to know to become a better person. It changed me to be ready to go into the world as a kinder person. I didn't want to be an asshole that people would abandon anymore. I wanted to be the happy person in a group. I wanted to be someone that people could always depend on. (I was always someone to depend on though, unless you were dating me and depended on me not to break up..) I wanted to not be who I used to be. Lo and behold, I was who I wanted to be, and I am that person now.

I developed the patience, and the strength, to find out that girl's story. Why was she being charged? What was the story? What's happening deeper? I found out from several different sources that it really was not her fault. She is such an empathetic person that she wants to at least put some of the blame onto herself even though none of it is hers. She is a wonderful person, and everything that people saw on the surface was absolutely nothing like who she really was.

We've been together for a year now. I'll admit that we have had speed bumps along the way, but we're both determined to make this last. Her longest relationship was 4 years long, which is incredibly larger than my previous longest, but day by day, my longest relationship is increasing. The 1 year mark is here, and I want to make this relationship last. 

I am not that guy that I used to be, and I never want to be again. I want children. I want a wife that will love me with all her heart. I want to be in that place where I am truly happy. I am now well on that way.

For those of you that didn't get bored by my long speech, this is still about you. I want you to know that the "bad guy" is not getting the happy ending. The bad guy got his punishment. He spent 2 years, locked away in his room, not feeling very good about himself. There was extremely severe depression, and if you ever thought to yourself "I hope he dies" well you might be satisfied to know that many suicidal thoughts crossed "his" mind.

A good way that I saw it was that I had broken a lot of hearts, and those hearts had been sewed up, but that I left a scar on each of them. I didn't realize though that for each heart I broke, mine broke also. I didn't realize it because my heart was numb. It was numb until I had depression and I began to feel everything again, and my heart had so many scars on it, that there was hardly a pure piece of heart left that wasn't damaged. But that heart kept beating. It pumped harder, and it grew into something better than it used to be. It changed me into the person that I am today, and I am grateful to you for that. You helped me to change. All I wish I could do was remove the scar from your heart.

This goes out to you. 

My exes.
My lovers.
My loathers.

This goes out to you. The one that I hurt. Hoping that you can one day forgive me for the way that I've hurt you. I've made my mistakes, and I have paid a high price. I can only hope that that is enough for you to feel justice. 

Chau <3
 

Seasons of change

Spring is born. Bright. Refreshing. Full of hope.

He grew and obtained information every second of the day
Learn to talk
Learn to walk
Learn to learn

Confusion occurs.
What is this?
They are yelling.
Is this fighting?

No.

Don't hurt her.. please..

Don't ask questions?
My room.. I'll go to it.

High school comes along and the same feeling of popularity he had, is gone.
A scarcity of people surrounding him is new.
Too new.

Have to adapt..
How?

Try to make friends.

I don't know these people. I can not make friends here. I will sit in the background and keep my mouth shut.


Years progress and it comes to late high school.
Popularity growing by the second. I know these people. I am friends with a lot of them. I will try to stand out.

Make a fool of myself. Once. Twice. Three times. They are over the stage of thinking I'm weird to the stage of just thinking I'm a fool. Perfect.





Summer comes along. Warm. Fierce. Strong. Confident.

He grew and obtained information every second of the day
Learn to talk to people properly
Learn to manipulate
Learn to get what you want

Virgin? Goodbye.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

He used to remember the order and names of every girl he slept with.
He started to forget the order.
He progressed to forget names.
He continued and lost count of the number.

Who am I now?
I've built myself up to be this.. This machine.
A perfect machine that knows what he wants and how to get it and he will get it regardless because of manipulation.
I've become this machine and now. Who am I?
Where am I?


Why am I.



Years pass and he settles down. He becomes a little less machine and a bit more him again. Now that he has what he wanted, there is no need to continue that facade so blending the two in slowly will do.

Problem.

Family starts to move.

One by one moving away from the area. From his friends. From what he knows.

Problem.

Family member needs him. No choice.
Must leave.




Autumn comes along. Slow. Painful. Sad. Dull.


Goodbye friends, everyone means the world to me and I will miss every second of the day spent with all of you.

No reply.
Why?
No one cares.
Goodbye.


Sadness occurs.
Loneliness ensues.
Depression follows.

He grew and obtained information every second of the day
Learn you can't trust anyone
Learn you have to do on your own
Learn how to deal with depression
Learn you will always be alone

Worse.

Worse.

Every day.

More things happen.

More depression responds.




Winter comes along. Cold. Dead. Unwilling.

Learn?
Learn nothing.

Nothing.

Cold.

Dead.



Girl comes in.

He changes slowly.

Winter turns to Autumn.
Autumn turns to Summer.


Spring is born.

He learns.
You are not alone.
You are happy.
You have everything you've ever wanted.
And there is nothing material that will ever change your mind.

Take care of Spring.

Chau <3

Magic Camera

So I've arrived at that stage in my workout regime..

I'm no longer skinny, I'm comfortable with my body now, I've gotten bigger and enjoy receiving compliments and recognition for my efforts.

The thing is though.. I'm barely even half way through my potential. Not even. I'm a third of the way through. My motivation is starting to wane since I'm getting more comfortable.

I'm determined but unmotivated enough to not push myself as much as I used to and here is the point where I start to question myself. This is the point in time where I really wish I could have a magic camera. Now this may sound crazy but hear me out for a second.

If I had a time controlling camera that you take a picture of something and then with the camera you can use a program like editing software to view that same items in different times. You can view it in the past, in the future and also view what it would look like depending on the events that occurred.

This way I could take a picture of my comfortable self now and see what I look like in say 1 year if I just stay with my comfortable self, or 1 year if I actually feel like pushing myself and eating better and putting in the tremendous effort.

I mean sure, I can look at other people and see what they've achieved and think, "Ohh if I do this then I can achieve that"

Sure sure, but it's not the same as seeing myself in that position. Seeing what I become, and how different I am, and the comparisons. I guess essentially this is because I can relate to myself a lot more than I can with others (for obvious reasons).

 

Chau <3

I'm starting to get sick of it

This dumbass depression, it's starting to really piss me off.

I hate feeling depressed.
I hate being sad.
I hate feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every minute of the day when I'm depressed.

I absolutely hate being ignored by everyone. I say something I get ignored.
I realized that for anyone to acknowledge my existence I have to talk for a minute straight without stopping and then they only hear the last 10 seconds of what I said if anything at all.

I hate reaching out for a small glint of attention which sometimes I desperately need, and then being rejected. Just a kiss? No. It hurts and it breaks my heart more than everyone thinks. Yeah I act strong.
Yeah I act impenetrable. But people don't realize that men don't feel with their muscles. Just like women, we feel with our hearts, and they can get broken. They can get hurt. Because there's no way to train your heart to be impenetrable. There's no way to make it strong against everything.

It hurts.


Being lonely hurts.

Having no one you can trust to talk to hurts.

Having to come on the internet and release my pent up stress, depression and anger hurts.



If I had a punching bag I would get so much fitter from punching the crap out of it.
I feel that physically releasing it is a very good way to release stress, but unfortunately, I don't have the space for a punching bag firstly, secondly even if I did I would piss my neighbours off, and thirdly I would probably break the bag. I've done it before.

Just tired of everything. There's someone I want to be with but she's too far away and circumstances suggest that that's not happening any time soon. She means the world to me and not having her around me just hurts.

Being away from my family in Uruguay is so damn painful, I just wish I could quit Australia and go back to live in Uruguay. That would be amazing. Thing is, my brother, my sister, my brother in law, my mother, they're all here in Australia and I can't leave them. It's not who I am.

If I left my brother wouldn't have a place to live. I'm not going to abandon my family. I gave up my studies, my work, my friends, my entire life down in Sydney to move up to Brisbane so my Brother would have a place to live. I miss having friends. I miss not being depressed. I miss thinking that I had issues but now that I look back it is shit all compared to what happens here. Same with a lot of people who have confided in me. I listened to all their problems and only some were truly depressed, the others were just fucking whingers.

Either way, I wouldn't take it back. I wouldn't stay in Sydney because then my brother would have nowhere to live. I'm very family orientated and I'd do anything for them. I'll gladly take all of this pain, all of this depression, all of these new issues, and all of these heart problems if it means that the rest of my family can be happy.



Is that love or stupidity?

Chau <3

Why?

Why do I write?

Sadness.. I don't buy it.

If I wanted to write because of sadness I could of easily grabbed a pen and paper and written it down.

So why else.. attention? Is that why I put it up on the internet for all to see? Because I want people to give me attention?

Well that doesn't make sense. No one replies. So then why..

Maybe it's because I'm so horribly lonely and now too wounded and terrified to show people how I feel that I have to take the cowards way out and write it in a blog to just feel like someone, anyone out there is listening to me.

Wants to listen to me.

Cares about me at all..


My family loves me but as I've grown up I've watched them grow up and have seen the changes that occurred.

My brother is a lot more difficult to deal with than he used to be. He caught a break with work with becoming a manager and everything, but he gets stressed because he receives attitude.

My sister has grown past the point of being my psychologist. I remember when I was little and I had a problem with my mum and I would run to my room and my sister would walk in after a minute of letting me be alone for a little bit. She would sit on my bed with me and she would talk to me. I would talk to her. She was my best friend when I was little and the only person I could ever confide in. Now she finds it amusing to tell all of her friends funny/really private and embarrassing stories about me just so she can get a laugh out of them even when I ask her not to.

My father is and always has been the person that I look up to most in this world. He may not be a millionaire. He may not have a mansion. He may have built his house with his bare hands. But 1, it's a damn fine house in my opinion, and two, he is one of the happiest men I know. He has a place to rest his head. He has a family that loves him. He has food on the table. That is a blessing if you ask me.

I've never trusted my mother.



So.. I can't talk to my family, my friends are almost all gone. There's almost no one to talk to. That's why I play this online game, it's like a way to get away from everything. To forget who I am and just be who I want to be.

But the writing..

Why write?

It doesn't make me feel better, if anything it makes me feel worse because it makes me list out everything that's wrong and thinking about EVERYTHING is just overwhelming.

So why write?


You know what the answer is?

I really don't know.

I don't love writing.

I enjoy it but not love it.


Is that why? Enjoyment?

No one finds it entertaining.
It doesn't make me feel better.
It just makes me realize how fucked up I am and just cements the idea that.. well I don't really want to finish this sentence.. It.. you don't want to hear it..
I don't overcome my problems just by writing about them so.. Who's enjoyment is that exactly?

No one's. It's just a depressed man who needs to express his feelings even though it makes him worse.

Chau <3

No comments

The man stares back at his computer, after putting up his final blog post.

"No comments"

He's talked about hate.

"No comments"

He's talked about heart break and how his ex left him because she was confused and needed time to think.

"No comments"

He's talked about loneliness.

"No comments"

All he wants is a reply.
He just wants someone to comment.
He stares blankly at the computer screen for an hour on end.

"No comments"

Finally at his final blog post he talks about suicide.
How it has eaten him up deep inside and how all he ever wanted was a reply.
He clicked "Publish"

"No comments"

10 minutes.

"No comments"

30 minutes.

"No comments"

60 minutes.

"No comments"

His hand slowly reaches to the edge of his laptop monitor and rests on top of it. Fingers curling over the cold metal cover while he's careful to not touch and dirty the screen.


He clutches the screen a little harder as his vision blurs and tears gently flow down his cheeks onto his keyboard.


"No comments"


As he get's extremely upset an overwhelming pain over comes his chest and his crying stops and is replaced with a cry out in pain as he clutches his chest.

Can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

I need air.

His lungs start to burn as the compressive feeling in his chest tightens then expands dramatically, then tightens back up again.

 AIR!

 He lets out a roar and as his voice starts escaping, so does air. Airflow out. Airflow in.

Air..

He puts his hands on his lap and pants heavily staring down at the bedsheet.

 It was sudden. It was powerful.

His body was giving up but something pulled him back.

He pauses.

His hand reaches for the monitor again and pulls it back so it faces him.

"1 Comment."

Chau <3

Fuck you depression. Fuck you right in the anus with a carrot.

Heh.. I see

So depression this is how you want to play? That is just dirty.


My depression has now started to spread further than mentally. Now every time I feel an intense emotion like depression, fury, loathing, loneliness, or anger, and I can't release it in a physical manner, it collects and manifests itself as a sharp physical pain in my heart. It's happened ever since my depression got worse and now it's no longer like a slight pinching pain of the heart.

It feels as if someone reaches into my chest, clenches my heart in one hand and squeezes, then inserts a combat knife (I say this for size comparizon) directly inside of it.

I used to think I was the master.

Master of myself.

Master of my own body.

Master of my surroundings.

I knew how to deal with things.

I knew how to deal with others.

I was emotionless and ruthless when it came to a time when I should have been crying from sadness.

I blocked it and locked it and bottled it up, and it feels like every time this happens the more I pack in the bottle, the more the bottle breaks and large shards of glass penetrate my heart.

I can't take the pain anymore, I have to see a doctor. I knew I should have but I never did because I thought I could control it, now it has progressed and has gotten worse and I can't contain it anymore.

I also need to see a psychiatrist. I can't do this alone anymore. I need someone who I have no connection with, a complete professional stranger, to let out everything. My frustrations. My anger. My loneliness. My depression. My deep sense of something which I don't even know. My developments. My growth.

I need someone that I don't know to tell me what I should do.

I hate talking about private things with people I know. If you know someone, you're going to be self conscious with what you say around them. Even if they say "You can always talk to me" "I'm always here for you" "I'll never judge you"

Yeah great but in my head you're always judging me even if you really aren't and even if I know you aren't.

I'm getting off topic.

I'm depressed.

I'm lonely.

I'm angry.

I'm frustrated.

I want a punching bag but there's nowhere to hang it up. I don't like letting out my frustration in front of people so I don't like using a punching bag at the gym. I could do what the monks do and put a newspaper up on a wall and punch the newspaper as hard as I can with the wall behind it. Or I could do what I would really find satisfying. Walk through the streets. Every time I see a teenager/kid who is a douchebag, I punch him in the face to knock him on his ass. I straddle his chest and pin his arms to his side. and I release my fury by ruthlessly pummeling my huge fist into their douchbaggy faces. One by one. Beating them to a bloody fucking pulp.

Yeah, my fists would be ruined by the end but so what? If it was legal, I would gladly exchange my fists for being able to beat the shit out of a douchebag so hard that I jam his jaw down his fucking throat.

I met someone..

She is.. different.
She knows me.
She knows me better than anyone has ever known me.
There were things that I was ashamed of and that I would never tell a soul, that she finds normal.
Things that I find exciting that others may have found sickening. She embraced that side before I even knew I had it.
I'm changing.
I'm growing.
I'm becoming a different side of myself that I didn't think I would be able to.
Social convention says that I should never be allowed to think these thoughts.
But she lets me think them. She embraces them. She has her own similar thoughts.
A deep connection that is bound on so many different levels that it's.. intriguing to say the least.


If it was up to me I would spend my entire day with her. We would be together all day, every day. But it's not. Nor is it up to her.

She makes me feel like I'm not alone.
When I'm around her I'm not lonely.
When I'm around her I'm myself. Someone I'm not with others.

But then she goes to sleep.

Depression sinks in again. I curl up on my bed. put a pillow in between my knees, cross my arms on the pillow, bury my face in it, and clutch it as hard as I can.

Loneliness.

Fuck you loneliness. You make me feel this way.


Karma.. I know I haven't been the best person in the world. I know I fucked up a lot of things in my life but.. This.. What you're doing to me.. This is the harshest amount of cruelty I have ever seen inflicted upon someone.

This..

Loneliness..

It's just..

It hurts

Literally..

Chau <3

Who are you? Says the man to the mirror.

Insanity.
It finds any crevice in our soul and enters it. Feeding itself on your anger. On your loneliness. On your guilt. On your feelings.
Slowly.
Finding its way to your heart.
Feasting.
On everything you have ever felt.
Craving.
More pain than you could ever imagine.
Whispering.
Dark hints into your very thoughts.
Redirecting.
Every painful thing you have ever felt.
Straight.
Into your soul.
Devouring.
Everything you have ever known.
Becoming.




You.

Chau<3

Innie. Minnie. Miny...... Mo.

He lives.

He lives for his friends.
He lives for his love.
He lives for his honour.
He lives for his heart.


He gives.

He gives his honour to his friends.
He gives his heart to his love.


He whispers.

He whispers his secrets to his friends.
He whispers his feelings to his love.


He cry's.

He cry's when his friends tell his secrets.
He cry's when his love throws away his feeling.


He angers.

He angers when his friends replace him with a girl.
He angers when his love meets another man.


He goes insane.

When he finds out that his best friend is the new man with his love.

Chau <3

Life.. Can it really be called living?

Friends that I thought were real, faded away quickly and they moved on to other friends.
Relationships I had, will never be again because of distance.
Best friend gone for being a total bitch.

and what do I have remaining?

A bitter reminder that I am now all alone.

It's not a tangible object but rather a sour taste in my heart.

Since I moved away I realized that my past friendships were mostly bullshit and everyone that were in them really didn't give 2 shits about me.

They don't know this but.. I was very, very deeply hurt, and wounded by that fact.

Every time I think about it I get depressed.. and the last time I tried to talk about it I cried. I haven't cried in 14 years until then. That's how much my friends meant to me. I would've done anything for them. I had them in my heart like family, but I get thrown away like trash. It just.. Ughh.. It just really hurt me so damn deeply.

When I moved away I was too afraid to make other friends. Ever since then I haven't had much confidence with people. Too afraid that it was my fault that everyone left me and that I did something wrong. I'm scared that I will do the same thing and I'll get hurt again.

No girlfriend for almost a year now. I never had a problem with women. But I made a promise and I stuck to it. Also I wouldn't be able to get one even if I wanted to. I'm now too afraid of the consequences and I just don't want to put myself in a situation where I'll get crushed. I can't talk to any girl I like because I'm just too terrified. My emotional state has been just pure depression since I left Sydney and I can't do anything about it. I'm just too hurt.

It's been almost a whole damn year and I'm still not over it.

I've contemplated.. many things.. many self inflicted things.. that I'm not too proud of, but I have no choice but to keep pushing forward regardless of my feelings and just bottle everything up like I used to. I am not so selfish as I would make my family live with this feeling. I will gladly take the burden for them.

I wish I just had someone who I could be myself around without any fear..

I'm so damn hurt..

I'm so damn depressed..

I'm just so.. so.. so damn lonely that it hurts..

Chau <3

The Intoxication of a Kiss

As night sky begins to fill with stars that glisten harmoniously with the beating of each lovers heart, he grabs the remote control and turns on the CD-Player.

The music, slow and heartfelt played with the heart of each lover as the man slowly caressed the back of his fingers across her right arm, all the way down to her fingertips,and as he gently placed his hand under hers, he whispered into her ear, "Would you honour me with this dance?"

She replied with a slight nod. They stood up and they grasped his left hand with her right hand out wards, and her hand on his shoulder with his hand on her waist. They danced and slowly the parting between them started to close and they gently looked at each others lips, and as they got closer she closed her eyes, but when their lips should of met, they did not. Instead, she felt the enchanting feel of his lips kissing her neck.

Her legs went soft for a split second but she stayed up trying to hold herself down on the world so as not to float away. As he kissed her silky neck he felt her sigh deeply and lay her head on his shoulder.

The music came to an abrupt end, as she pulled away and looked at him. She clasped his face with her palms, and allowed him to look deep into her chestnut brown eyes praying that he could understand what she so desperately want to say.

The sliver of moonlight grew as the cloud that covered it gently moved with the midnight air, as it shone directly on his face he didn't care, all that mattered was the look that the two were sharing as he looked into her eyes and she looked into his emerald green eyes with the slightest tinge of brown in the middle. They cared not for the subtle hooting of the owls or the calls of crickets as when they looked into each others eyes it felt like they were peering each others souls, and they could sense each other as if they were one.

She wanted to tell him but her shyness slowed her down and made her doubt herself. She slowly lowered her head because she couldn't look him in the eye after that, but as he gently lifted her head up by her chin and stared into her eyes, she regained her confidence and said what she's wanted to say for a long time, "You are the love of my life and I never want that to change" ending her sentence with a sudden yet passionate kiss.

He kissed.
She kissed.
They kissed.

Chau <3

Forgetting to Remember

He sat on his bed, back against the wall with a pillow in between his crossed legs.
Arms wrapped around the pillow, nose and mouth buried in pillow.

But his green eyes set on the hot screen of the laptop in front of him.

No programs open, just a picture.

He wasn't talking to anyone.
He wasn't doing anything,

Just sitting there and staring at the picture.

The picture of him and his love.



She sat on her bed, back against the wall with a pillow in between her crossed legs.
Arms wrapped around the pillow, nose and mouth buried in pillow.

But her green eyes set on the hot screen of the laptop in front of her.

No programs open, just a picture.

She wasn't talking to anyone.
She wasn't doing anything,

Just sitting there and staring at the picture.

The picture of her and her love.



They both wondered if the other was thinking about them.

When they talked, each would appear to not feel anything more than friendship for the other person.

But they were both proficient with fooling other people.

The only time there was an easily noticeable connection was when they stared deep into each other's eyes the first day they met.

But they were both proficient at lying to other people.

They wanted to be together but they didn't know what the other knew.

Because they were both proficient at decieving other people.


As they stared at their screens, neither wondered if it was actually themselves who they were fooling.
Themselves that they were lying to.
Themselves that they were decieving.


He reached out towards his laptop.
She reached out towards her laptop.

And with the back of his finger, gently traced the shape of her face,
And with the back of her finger, gently traced the shape of his face,

from the left side of her forehead, to her chin.
from the left side of his forehead, to his chin.

As a tear rolled down his cheek, he lowered his eyes into his pillow.
As a tear rolled down her cheek, she lowered her eyes into her pillow.

He pulled his hand back halfway to his pillow, then hesitated.
She pulled her hand back halfway to her pillow, then hesitated.

He opened his hand and moved it towards the center of his screen, but hovered just before touching it.
She opened her hand and moved it towards the center of her screen, but hovered just before touching it.

He touched the screen.
She touched the screen.

The middle of his screen turned into the shape of a hand and its fingers wrapped around his.
The middle of her screen turned into the shape of a hand and its fingers wrapped around hers.

He knew it was her hand. He pulled the hand, to try to pull her back into his life.
She knew it was his hand. She pulled the hand, to try to pull him back into her life.

Instead the hand pulled them into the screen.

They appeared in front of each other.

Floating in an area that looks like endless white.

Each wearing white.

The feeling of purity was abundant in this place.

Behind each of them was their computer screen.

Like a window that they climbed through.

They looked deep into each others green eyes, just as they did that first day, but this time, their eyes slowly closed.

As they moved closer to each other, their eyes closed more and more.

Their eyes shut completely, the moment that their lips met.

They kissed gently, then slowly opened their eyes as their lips parted.

The screens behind them started to project powerful colours onto each, as the colour of the screens poluted the purity.

They started to fade as the screens pulled them back, but the entire time, neither was remotely disturbed by the occurences.

They maintained eye contact without blinking.

Their eyes were filled with sorrow as they were to part again.

But their hearts grew strong from the happiness they recieved.

He reached out with his right hand as she reached out with her left.

They slowly faded.

Their hands got closer.

They were almost completely faded.

Their fingertips where a hairs width away, when they completely faded.





He wakes up on the right side of his bed, facing the left.
She wakes up on the left side of her bed, facing the right.

It was just a dream..
It was just a dream..

Chau <3

A true point of view

"To reconstitute political life in a state presupposes a good man, whereas to have recourse to violence in order to make oneself prince in a republic supposes a bad man. Hence very rarely will there be found a good man ready to use bad methods in order to make himself prince, though with a good end in view.

Nor will any reasonable man blame him for taking any action, however extraordinary, which may be of service in the organizing of a kingdom or the constituting of a republic. It is a sound maxim that reprehensible actions may be justified by their effects, and that when the effect is good, it always justifies the action. For it is the man who uses violence to spoil things, not the man who uses it to mend them, that is blameworthy.

A Prince should therefore disregard the reproach of being thought cruel where it enables him to keep his subjects united and loyal. For he who quells disorder by a very few signal examples will in the end be more merciful than he who from too great leniency permits things to take their course and so result in chaos and bloodshed; for these hurt the whole state, whereas the severities of the Prince injure individuals only.

It is essential therefore, for a Prince who desires to maintain his position, to have learned how to be other than good, and to use or not use his goodness as necessity requires."

"Everyone sees what you seem to be, but few know what you are."

Chau <3

Ta bueno.

I'm going to make a new blog, I'm keeping this one but the other one is going to me more private

I feel I have too many readers on this one.

I'm still going to write in this one, don't get me wrong, but the other one is going to be my own venting thing

In spanish.

So yeah...

Chau <3

Revenge

Revenge is like a ghost.
It takes over every man it touches.
It's thirst will never be quenched,
Until the last man standing has fallen.
You may be able to destroy me,
But the beast will eventually come for you.

Chau <3

You disgust me.

The words repeated to me by a little boy I've never met before.
My whole outlook on myself just got reinforced with that statement.

I disgusted myself.
I was actually quite surprised at how many People accepted me for who I am when I can't even accept myself.

You disgust me.
The words I thought to myself every time I broke a girls heart.

Seems that I've started to show it.
Good.

People can see who I really am and I'll get treated as I deserve.
It is only fair. I talk about treating people equally and fairly.

Why should I be the same?
I've done a lot of fucked up things.

Sergio,
You disgust me.


Chau <3

:D

I just realized that 8 days ago was this blogs first birthday! :)

So, happy birthday blog!

You've been with me through my bad times,
my good times,
my awesome times,
and my fucked up times haha :P
I'll try to whine a little less and start talking about more positive things from now on haha :P

News-
I'm moving to Brisbane in 4 months,
Already bought the apartment,
Just need to move in :)

It's in a good town, near a beach and stuff :P
Any pretty girl want to come?

Anyone? lol

Damn. :P

Anyways again happy birthday to my blog and peace out my niggas :)

Chau <3

Living the dream? Or dreaming the nightmare?

Walking through the train station confused about what platform I should go to.

Platform Attendant.

Bingo.

I show him my pass and ask, "Sorry, where is this platform?"
As he points to his left i thank him and follow the direction of his finger.

I start walking towards the platform and i walk through a small maze of poles that were set up to guide traffic of people when it's busy. Only one guy in front of me walking through the maze. I notice some guys on the platform that seem dodgy so i slow down a little bit. One of them pulls out a gun slowly and the rest follow suit.

They point it at my direction and all i can think of is "Shit."
I try to play it cool and look at my ticket, as I stop i try to make it look like i was walking towards the wrong platform so i start to walk back the other way. I don't walk too fast because i know that they'll notice me and shoot me straight away. With the men with guns on my left I leave the small maze and start making my way to a short but tall passageway about 30 meters in front of me.

I hear a silenced handgun shot and a groan. A thump follows and i know that the guy that was walking in front of me before is now dead. I try to play it cool like i didn't hear anything and i start hearing more silenced rounds go off. The bullets are hitting everything to the direction they were pointing at except me.

I hear one go past my head but continue to ignore the actions around me. About 10 meters to the tunnel.
I continue my pace and pray that i don't get shot.

The guns stop shooting.

Footsteps running follow. Sounds like 3 men after me. 5 meters to the tunnel.
3 meters
1 meter

I turn into the corner and instantly drop my bag and start running for my life.
I follow the corridor the only way it goes.

Right

Left

Left

Right

Left

The footsteps are getting closer.

I see an exit sign and two doors to either side of it. the sign doesn't say which door but i know that if i take the wrong one ill be trapped. I take the door at the right. I get through and close the door behind me.

I turn around and see an old shabby apartment.

Wrong door.

Footsteps getting closer.

Too late.

I run into the apartment and run up the stairs. I run into the closest room.

Bathroom. Damn, i just can't catch a break.

Smallest bathroom i've ever seen. 1 m to both sides. Only room for a sink and the small 30 by 30 cm window behind it. All the lemon and cream coloured wallpaper is coming off, although it looks like it was kind of torn off. Everything is rusty and covered in grime, and the light is so bad that all it does is add to the crappiness of the room. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. Shit.

I open the tap and splash some water on my face to try to help me cool down a little bit. I look up to the window and realise that the only thing behind it is cardboard and wood.

Suddenly blood starts dripping through the bottom of the window. Soon it starts flowing. I realise that the suppossed water that i had my hands under the whole time turned to blood. It spilled everywhere and covered me in it.

Suddenly the footsteps stop and a loud bang is heard from the door. Another loud bang. Another follows. It continues.

Then the last loud bang is the loudest of all. Splinters fly everywhere and the door comes crashing down at me.

Just before the door hits me, a blinding flash of white light appears and i wake up in a patch of grass.

I shift up on my elbows and realise that im in a large garden. Suddenly Edward from twilight walks in front of me wearing what looks to be like an englishman/golfers clothes. cream coloured suit pants. stripy bright shirt. yellow jumper draped over his shoulders with the arms tied in front of him.

He steps closer to me and puts his face about 40 cm's away from mine. Then his face suddenly splits into 3 with his skull one piece and the jaw spliting into two, and he roars at me with all his might. His face turns back to normal as he stands up looking pleased with himself.

I have a feeling that this is a dream so while still down I kick him straight in the testicles. Just as he bend over holding his prized jewels, the fearless warrior awakes from his slumber.

Chau <3

My dream

Fame...
Wealth...
Power...

These are common dreams with most people..
My dream is a little different though.

I only need to be famous to a few people.
I only need to be rich enough to maintain a few people comfortably.
I only need to be powerful enough to be respected by a few people.

They're my family.
By my family i mean my future wife and kids.
That's because they are my dream.

I don't need to run a country.
I don't need to be a billionare.
I don't need to be the leader of an organised crime association.

I just want a beautiful wife who greets me when i get home with a smile and a, "How was your day honey?"

When i go away for a trip even for just a week, before i leave i want her to hold me like im never coming back,
To just stand there in an embrace which i wish would go on forever but it would still feel too short,
And the last words i hear before i leave to be, "I love you."

I want someone who makes me feel special for who i am,
Instead of depressed for who other people are and how im not them.

I want her to love me unconditionally as i will love her the same.

I want to be proud to announce to my mates that she's my wife and i wouldn't care what anyone says about her because she'd be the most precious person in my life.

That is until the kids enter this world.
Thern they would all be the most precious people in my life.

I would love them unconditionally.

I would be proud of them for their achievements and show it with great exaggeration.

I wouldn't punish them for what they did wrong, i'd just be very dissapointed, but i know that if i raise them like I would, they would achieve greatness.

When they come home from a party at 3 in the morning that they weren't meant to go to and I catch them in the act i wouldn't rat them out to my wife, i'd ask how the party was and laugh about it with them.

If they get in trouble at school and i get called in i'd ask what they did, i'd probably laugh about it and i'd suggest that we keep it a secret from the mother. :P

But i wouldn't be all jokes..

If something happened to my wife or kids id try to put up a smile for the rest but i'd secretly be dying inside..

If any of them were in hospital i wouldn't leave the bedside until they did as well,
and if one of them died in front of me or in my arms I don't think i'd know how to react. I would probably stand there with an empty expression and i'd be a broken man..

But then again, I would do everything in my power to stop any of the bad stuff happening.

I'd give my life to save them.

Why?

Because they are my Love,


They are my Passion,


They are my Pride,


They are my Strength,


They are my Friends.


They are my Equanimity.


They are my Joy.


They are my Compassion.


They are my Dream.

Chau <3