Travelling Through Time

Been quite a while...

Quick catch up since last time. Have a partner. She's a mother. Great girlfriend.

Step son is absolute pain in the ass, he ignores orders, yells at people, blames everything on everyone else, and believe me when I say that although all of this sounds like a normal child, think about it as 10 times worse. He spent a few years of his early life going around a few homes (Can't say why) but eventually went back to his mother. He has developed severe separation anxiety, and as a result, is an absolute fucking pain in the ass. Won't leave us alone. Not to mention, his mother (having felt bad about things that happened in the past) feels like she has to make up for everything that happened, so she's extremely weak against him. He loves to take absolute control of that and manipulate the fuck out of her. He sees her as weak and he has her wrapped around his tiny finger.

He doesn't get away with that shit with me. He tries to manipulate me but I don't play that. I'm stricter than his mother. I discipline properly and I don't take his shit. She sees him as a little saint, because she looks at him through mum goggles. I see him for the devil he is.

I'm hoping that he'll grow up a bit more and stop manipulating people.

He's smart as hell, but he uses that intelligence for evil. I told his mother 2 years ago that she will need to teach him to be good, and she needs to put boundaries and discipline more, but she is putty in his hands and he has not developed at all, because whenever I try to be the hardass parent, he runs over to her and she defends him, which allows him to be a little fuck.

I'm convinced he's going to grow up to steal and kill someone, exactly like his father. and no, I'm not exaggerating, his father killed his own daughter. That daughter of course was this child's sister. He never gave a shit about her. When she was alive, he was a greedy fuck because the attention was off of him, so he would kick her in the head and then start crying so that all of the attention was on him to calm him down. Yes, this is clean manipulation from a toddler. He's been manipulating for years now and he won't stop.


Now. The reason why I'm posting is because I wanted to rant.

There's a cross country event on and I was going to go because my partner can't as a result of another important legal matter that needs to be attended to. The thing is, I have a meeting on at the same time for work. Now. The thing about this is that my partner was relying on me to go to cross country. She says that I'm letting him down and that he was really relying on me to go and shit. She's throwing all these accusations on me.

I don't want to work, but as we are a bit financially tight, it's kind of a priority. So what I decided to do was do both. I couldn't attend the meeting first, and then go to cross country just a little later. I had to call up and move a few things around for this, but my partner was throwing so much shit at me for this that I decided to do my best to compromise. So yeah, I was able to figure out a way to do both, but I would just show up to cross country about half an hour late. Keep in mind that this is an event that goes on for an hour and a half, so I would be attending most of it.

Butttttttttttt apparently this isn't good enough. Apparently this doesn't count as me going because I won't be there for the whole thing. Apparently I'm not being a supportive parent because I won't be there for the whole thing. Apparently I'm just not putting any effort in.

Fucking excuse me? I don't want to work, but I do it so we can have money. Keep in mind, I don't want to go to cross country. I love this kid but I barely see him as my own. He has so much evil and aggression in him that I can just simply not feel like he is my child. That's the downside of being a step parent. You never feel like the child is properly yours, and you're never counted as "A real parent" even though you deal with all the shit that biological parents do.

So I'm going to this stupid cross country event for my partner because she can't. But I also have an important meeting on. So after putting in a lot of effort to try to change everything around so that I can earn us some money AND attend this thing that I don't want to go to anyways, I'm still apparently letting everyone down. What do you want me to do? Make a clone so I can be at 2 places at once?

I'm trying my best to be a good partner and a good parent, and it's just never good enough. This shit is really starting to get on my nerves and I honestly don't know what to do. She's just pacing around the house in her she-hulk mood, criticizing EVERYTHING I do. Right or wrong, there's always something wrong, and when she is she-hulking, she loves to point out everything that I do wrong.

I try to be pretty chill in life, and I usually am, but her anxiety makes it so that every single fucking situation is stressful, and as I am the closest person to her, she throws ALL of that stress onto me, which also includes the blame. The child LOVES to blame other people when something goes wrong, and it's ironic that his mother absolutely hates when he does that, considering the fact that he got it directly from her. It's like he got all of the shit aspects from both of his parents, and none of the good ones. Fucking devil incarnate. Sick of this shit.

Chau <3

This goes out to you. The one I've hurt.

So it has been a very long time since I've put up a new post. I don't really think anyone reads this anymore. The people that used to read this, were the people that used to care about me, and on some part, the people I've wronged.

In words.. I can't apologize enough.

I was an absolute asshole in the past. I treated people like they were expandable, and I used people. I used to tell myself that I was just flicking through a deck of cards until I found my ace. I actually still believe that I WAS doing that with women.

I was going from relationship to relationship, and if I found things I didn't like, I didn't bother to try to fix it. Little things were ok, but if there were any big things, I would never have stayed. I would have just shrugged and said, "That's not the girl for me." and moved on to the next one. This caused my longest relationship to be 3 months.

Sure there was that girl that was on and off for 11 years, but I don't even count that anymore. That wasn't a relationship. I'm not even sure that that was love. I think that it was just an 11 year infatuation.

An ex of mine put this up on her blog almost 3 years ago. It was about me, or at least, the old me.

"u were always a charmer, and just when i thought i was immune to your charming words and corny ways, a part of me liked it. which makes feel me terrible as to our situation does nothing to improve the lust and emotional pleasure that we once indulged in"

I hadn't talked to her  properly for a while before that, as we were still raw from our break up. But there I was, infatuated again. I have always had an issue with closure. I would get into a relationship, and then in the end, break up, and then later on, remember all the good times about the relationship. After studying psychology, it's become evident to me that that happens to most people that leave their relationships, so it's considered normal, but no less painful.

It happened with every single girl I have ever dated, except for one. This post is about that one. My one. The longest one. Hopefully the last one. Hopefully, THE one.

I was quite proud of myself for being in that relationship in the past for 3 months. That was because before that, my longest relationship had been about a month, so the bar wasn't very high. But now I realize how little time 3 months is. It's not enough time. Not enough time to get to know someone. Not enough time to be with someone.

Which is why I'm apologizing to every girl I have ever dated, or wronged. I apologize for not giving you enough time. I apologize for not taking the time. and most of all, I deeply apologize for having wasted your time. You all deserve better than the boy that I was.

I am going to send the link to this post to every girl I've dated, and every girl I've wronged. I am incredibly sorry about everything. I'm not sending this to rub your face in the next part of my post. In fact, I'm sending you this because I want you to know that I am apologizing to you directly. This may sound a bit generalized, but if you see a message from me in your inbox, and it has the link to this post in it, that is because you specifically were on my mind while I was writing this.

The other thing I wanted to say was that I'm changing, or.. I HAVE changed. 

I am currently dating a girl who in the past, I would never have thought that I would have dated. She has a child, she is facing serious charges on the basis of something that she is a victim in, but that the main culprit was her ex, and when we started dating, she was an alcoholic. 

In the past, these would have been immense red flags for me not to approach. But something happened, which I didn't expect to happen. I thought that I had already done this when I left high school, but I was wrong. What happened was that I grew up. I thought that that happened at the end of high school because I changed. I was no longer the shy kid that didn't talk to many people. 

I took charge, I made friends, I learned to manipulate people and become the center of attention. I thought that that was me growing up, but it took me a while to realize that I hadn't grown up, I had just turned into a massive dick. I spent 2 years of my life basically in solitude when I moved up to brisbane. I suffered deep depression, and it hurt. I had no friends, I had no girlfriend. I would play online games, and it was an escape for me. I was one of the best players out of the entire MMORPG, and I felt like I was king. I was immensely popular on that game. Everyone wanted to be my friend, and I even forgot a lot of people that wanted to be around me. It was very difficult for me to keep up.

This is exactly what depression is though. You don't want to be part of your real life, so you try to escape it. Whether it be with drugs, alcohol, or in my case, online gaming. The worst part is, it becomes an addiction, because the moment that you turn that screen off, you're alone again. It's just you, struggling to be yourself. I think that the worst thing about it was that I had no one to properly talk to face to face about it, and that I couldn't let it out physically, because for a long time, I have been physically incapable of crying. I don't know why. I've never really liked the idea of going to a doctor and saying "I can't cry. What's wrong with me besides severe depression?" 

I cringe thinking about that.

What I didn't realize though was that that time changed me as a person. It forced me to grow up. It taught me things that I thought I already had, but evidently I lacked. It taught me infinite patience. I used to have a short temper, and it would be set off by things that irritated me. Now though, it takes a lot for me to actually get angry. 

It taught me the true value of money. Being addicted to that online game caused me to spend $8,000 on it. Yes, that's correct. $8,000. Enough to buy myself a car. I learned from that mistake.

I taught me that people weren't always who they seemed to be. There was a lot of time for self reflection, and although it's obvious that people lie, I thought that I was smarter than most people, and as such, I was better at it than everyone else. But observing myself, and others as they lied to me directly even though I already knew the truth, it showed me the true capabilities of people around me.

But I think that most importantly, it taught me the value of personal contact. It taught me to value affection and company. Being in front of someone else was a rarity for me, and as such I began to lack some barriers that I had built up over the years. I had begun to be attached to movies and shows, I'd laugh a lot louder at funny scenes, I'd get annoyed when characters would do annoying things, and my heart would beat very fast through exciting scenes such as something wrong happening in a telenovela or an awesome fight scene or something. 

Now knowing more about psychology, it was pretty evident that I had developed a detachment from society. 

All of this though, taught me what I needed to know to become a better person. It changed me to be ready to go into the world as a kinder person. I didn't want to be an asshole that people would abandon anymore. I wanted to be the happy person in a group. I wanted to be someone that people could always depend on. (I was always someone to depend on though, unless you were dating me and depended on me not to break up..) I wanted to not be who I used to be. Lo and behold, I was who I wanted to be, and I am that person now.

I developed the patience, and the strength, to find out that girl's story. Why was she being charged? What was the story? What's happening deeper? I found out from several different sources that it really was not her fault. She is such an empathetic person that she wants to at least put some of the blame onto herself even though none of it is hers. She is a wonderful person, and everything that people saw on the surface was absolutely nothing like who she really was.

We've been together for a year now. I'll admit that we have had speed bumps along the way, but we're both determined to make this last. Her longest relationship was 4 years long, which is incredibly larger than my previous longest, but day by day, my longest relationship is increasing. The 1 year mark is here, and I want to make this relationship last. 

I am not that guy that I used to be, and I never want to be again. I want children. I want a wife that will love me with all her heart. I want to be in that place where I am truly happy. I am now well on that way.

For those of you that didn't get bored by my long speech, this is still about you. I want you to know that the "bad guy" is not getting the happy ending. The bad guy got his punishment. He spent 2 years, locked away in his room, not feeling very good about himself. There was extremely severe depression, and if you ever thought to yourself "I hope he dies" well you might be satisfied to know that many suicidal thoughts crossed "his" mind.

A good way that I saw it was that I had broken a lot of hearts, and those hearts had been sewed up, but that I left a scar on each of them. I didn't realize though that for each heart I broke, mine broke also. I didn't realize it because my heart was numb. It was numb until I had depression and I began to feel everything again, and my heart had so many scars on it, that there was hardly a pure piece of heart left that wasn't damaged. But that heart kept beating. It pumped harder, and it grew into something better than it used to be. It changed me into the person that I am today, and I am grateful to you for that. You helped me to change. All I wish I could do was remove the scar from your heart.

This goes out to you. 

My exes.
My lovers.
My loathers.

This goes out to you. The one that I hurt. Hoping that you can one day forgive me for the way that I've hurt you. I've made my mistakes, and I have paid a high price. I can only hope that that is enough for you to feel justice. 

Chau <3
 

Seasons of change

Spring is born. Bright. Refreshing. Full of hope.

He grew and obtained information every second of the day
Learn to talk
Learn to walk
Learn to learn

Confusion occurs.
What is this?
They are yelling.
Is this fighting?

No.

Don't hurt her.. please..

Don't ask questions?
My room.. I'll go to it.

High school comes along and the same feeling of popularity he had, is gone.
A scarcity of people surrounding him is new.
Too new.

Have to adapt..
How?

Try to make friends.

I don't know these people. I can not make friends here. I will sit in the background and keep my mouth shut.


Years progress and it comes to late high school.
Popularity growing by the second. I know these people. I am friends with a lot of them. I will try to stand out.

Make a fool of myself. Once. Twice. Three times. They are over the stage of thinking I'm weird to the stage of just thinking I'm a fool. Perfect.





Summer comes along. Warm. Fierce. Strong. Confident.

He grew and obtained information every second of the day
Learn to talk to people properly
Learn to manipulate
Learn to get what you want

Virgin? Goodbye.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

He used to remember the order and names of every girl he slept with.
He started to forget the order.
He progressed to forget names.
He continued and lost count of the number.

Who am I now?
I've built myself up to be this.. This machine.
A perfect machine that knows what he wants and how to get it and he will get it regardless because of manipulation.
I've become this machine and now. Who am I?
Where am I?


Why am I.



Years pass and he settles down. He becomes a little less machine and a bit more him again. Now that he has what he wanted, there is no need to continue that facade so blending the two in slowly will do.

Problem.

Family starts to move.

One by one moving away from the area. From his friends. From what he knows.

Problem.

Family member needs him. No choice.
Must leave.




Autumn comes along. Slow. Painful. Sad. Dull.


Goodbye friends, everyone means the world to me and I will miss every second of the day spent with all of you.

No reply.
Why?
No one cares.
Goodbye.


Sadness occurs.
Loneliness ensues.
Depression follows.

He grew and obtained information every second of the day
Learn you can't trust anyone
Learn you have to do on your own
Learn how to deal with depression
Learn you will always be alone

Worse.

Worse.

Every day.

More things happen.

More depression responds.




Winter comes along. Cold. Dead. Unwilling.

Learn?
Learn nothing.

Nothing.

Cold.

Dead.



Girl comes in.

He changes slowly.

Winter turns to Autumn.
Autumn turns to Summer.


Spring is born.

He learns.
You are not alone.
You are happy.
You have everything you've ever wanted.
And there is nothing material that will ever change your mind.

Take care of Spring.

Chau <3

Magic Camera

So I've arrived at that stage in my workout regime..

I'm no longer skinny, I'm comfortable with my body now, I've gotten bigger and enjoy receiving compliments and recognition for my efforts.

The thing is though.. I'm barely even half way through my potential. Not even. I'm a third of the way through. My motivation is starting to wane since I'm getting more comfortable.

I'm determined but unmotivated enough to not push myself as much as I used to and here is the point where I start to question myself. This is the point in time where I really wish I could have a magic camera. Now this may sound crazy but hear me out for a second.

If I had a time controlling camera that you take a picture of something and then with the camera you can use a program like editing software to view that same items in different times. You can view it in the past, in the future and also view what it would look like depending on the events that occurred.

This way I could take a picture of my comfortable self now and see what I look like in say 1 year if I just stay with my comfortable self, or 1 year if I actually feel like pushing myself and eating better and putting in the tremendous effort.

I mean sure, I can look at other people and see what they've achieved and think, "Ohh if I do this then I can achieve that"

Sure sure, but it's not the same as seeing myself in that position. Seeing what I become, and how different I am, and the comparisons. I guess essentially this is because I can relate to myself a lot more than I can with others (for obvious reasons).

 

Chau <3

I'm starting to get sick of it

This dumbass depression, it's starting to really piss me off.

I hate feeling depressed.
I hate being sad.
I hate feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every minute of the day when I'm depressed.

I absolutely hate being ignored by everyone. I say something I get ignored.
I realized that for anyone to acknowledge my existence I have to talk for a minute straight without stopping and then they only hear the last 10 seconds of what I said if anything at all.

I hate reaching out for a small glint of attention which sometimes I desperately need, and then being rejected. Just a kiss? No. It hurts and it breaks my heart more than everyone thinks. Yeah I act strong.
Yeah I act impenetrable. But people don't realize that men don't feel with their muscles. Just like women, we feel with our hearts, and they can get broken. They can get hurt. Because there's no way to train your heart to be impenetrable. There's no way to make it strong against everything.

It hurts.


Being lonely hurts.

Having no one you can trust to talk to hurts.

Having to come on the internet and release my pent up stress, depression and anger hurts.



If I had a punching bag I would get so much fitter from punching the crap out of it.
I feel that physically releasing it is a very good way to release stress, but unfortunately, I don't have the space for a punching bag firstly, secondly even if I did I would piss my neighbours off, and thirdly I would probably break the bag. I've done it before.

Just tired of everything. There's someone I want to be with but she's too far away and circumstances suggest that that's not happening any time soon. She means the world to me and not having her around me just hurts.

Being away from my family in Uruguay is so damn painful, I just wish I could quit Australia and go back to live in Uruguay. That would be amazing. Thing is, my brother, my sister, my brother in law, my mother, they're all here in Australia and I can't leave them. It's not who I am.

If I left my brother wouldn't have a place to live. I'm not going to abandon my family. I gave up my studies, my work, my friends, my entire life down in Sydney to move up to Brisbane so my Brother would have a place to live. I miss having friends. I miss not being depressed. I miss thinking that I had issues but now that I look back it is shit all compared to what happens here. Same with a lot of people who have confided in me. I listened to all their problems and only some were truly depressed, the others were just fucking whingers.

Either way, I wouldn't take it back. I wouldn't stay in Sydney because then my brother would have nowhere to live. I'm very family orientated and I'd do anything for them. I'll gladly take all of this pain, all of this depression, all of these new issues, and all of these heart problems if it means that the rest of my family can be happy.



Is that love or stupidity?

Chau <3

Why?

Why do I write?

Sadness.. I don't buy it.

If I wanted to write because of sadness I could of easily grabbed a pen and paper and written it down.

So why else.. attention? Is that why I put it up on the internet for all to see? Because I want people to give me attention?

Well that doesn't make sense. No one replies. So then why..

Maybe it's because I'm so horribly lonely and now too wounded and terrified to show people how I feel that I have to take the cowards way out and write it in a blog to just feel like someone, anyone out there is listening to me.

Wants to listen to me.

Cares about me at all..


My family loves me but as I've grown up I've watched them grow up and have seen the changes that occurred.

My brother is a lot more difficult to deal with than he used to be. He caught a break with work with becoming a manager and everything, but he gets stressed because he receives attitude.

My sister has grown past the point of being my psychologist. I remember when I was little and I had a problem with my mum and I would run to my room and my sister would walk in after a minute of letting me be alone for a little bit. She would sit on my bed with me and she would talk to me. I would talk to her. She was my best friend when I was little and the only person I could ever confide in. Now she finds it amusing to tell all of her friends funny/really private and embarrassing stories about me just so she can get a laugh out of them even when I ask her not to.

My father is and always has been the person that I look up to most in this world. He may not be a millionaire. He may not have a mansion. He may have built his house with his bare hands. But 1, it's a damn fine house in my opinion, and two, he is one of the happiest men I know. He has a place to rest his head. He has a family that loves him. He has food on the table. That is a blessing if you ask me.

I've never trusted my mother.



So.. I can't talk to my family, my friends are almost all gone. There's almost no one to talk to. That's why I play this online game, it's like a way to get away from everything. To forget who I am and just be who I want to be.

But the writing..

Why write?

It doesn't make me feel better, if anything it makes me feel worse because it makes me list out everything that's wrong and thinking about EVERYTHING is just overwhelming.

So why write?


You know what the answer is?

I really don't know.

I don't love writing.

I enjoy it but not love it.


Is that why? Enjoyment?

No one finds it entertaining.
It doesn't make me feel better.
It just makes me realize how fucked up I am and just cements the idea that.. well I don't really want to finish this sentence.. It.. you don't want to hear it..
I don't overcome my problems just by writing about them so.. Who's enjoyment is that exactly?

No one's. It's just a depressed man who needs to express his feelings even though it makes him worse.

Chau <3

No comments

The man stares back at his computer, after putting up his final blog post.

"No comments"

He's talked about hate.

"No comments"

He's talked about heart break and how his ex left him because she was confused and needed time to think.

"No comments"

He's talked about loneliness.

"No comments"

All he wants is a reply.
He just wants someone to comment.
He stares blankly at the computer screen for an hour on end.

"No comments"

Finally at his final blog post he talks about suicide.
How it has eaten him up deep inside and how all he ever wanted was a reply.
He clicked "Publish"

"No comments"

10 minutes.

"No comments"

30 minutes.

"No comments"

60 minutes.

"No comments"

His hand slowly reaches to the edge of his laptop monitor and rests on top of it. Fingers curling over the cold metal cover while he's careful to not touch and dirty the screen.


He clutches the screen a little harder as his vision blurs and tears gently flow down his cheeks onto his keyboard.


"No comments"


As he get's extremely upset an overwhelming pain over comes his chest and his crying stops and is replaced with a cry out in pain as he clutches his chest.

Can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

I need air.

His lungs start to burn as the compressive feeling in his chest tightens then expands dramatically, then tightens back up again.

 AIR!

 He lets out a roar and as his voice starts escaping, so does air. Airflow out. Airflow in.

Air..

He puts his hands on his lap and pants heavily staring down at the bedsheet.

 It was sudden. It was powerful.

His body was giving up but something pulled him back.

He pauses.

His hand reaches for the monitor again and pulls it back so it faces him.

"1 Comment."

Chau <3